We're Eternal!

The last post was about all the legal, mortality stuff. This post is all about the eternal.
Caleb was sealed to us on June 26, 2010 at 1:00 pm in the Bountiful, Utah Temple
We have been waiting for this day for so long and it was all we'd hoped it would be.

We spent the morning getting ready and making sure Caleb got a nap in right before we left. At around 11:40 we woke him up and got him dressed to go to the temple.

Caleb getting his first (zipper) tie on.

The latest face he's been making.

Ready to go!

If it seems that we have taken too many pictures to document this day, rest assured Caleb probably feels the same way, as evidenced here:
Here's a better one. You WILL smile on this special day!

If we weren't short on time, we would have pulled out the tripod and taken a family picture. Zack had the camera bag, tripod, our 2 temple bags and I had the diaper bag. Sheesh. You'd think we were going to spend a week in there and not just an hour or so.

At the temple we were assigned our own personal escorts who walked us through everything. The first thing they did was take us to the Youth Center to drop off Caleb. There were about 5 ladies in there all smiling and ready to take care of him. Caleb, like his usual self, took everything in with his big brown-eyed stare. There was only one other baby in there at the time and he was just bawling his eyes out, so I'm glad Caleb was being so good.

After taking care of paperwork, Zack and I separated to go change clothes. It was kind of fun for me because they had me use the Bride's Room to get ready. All Zack got was a bigger dressing stall. It was so peaceful and pretty. A few of the tables in there had wedding gowns draped over them, just waiting for the brides to come in.

Zack and I got to sit in the Celestial Room for a while before we were led to the sealing room. It was nice to sit and talk and take in the peace and beauty that surrounded us, but we were also anxious to see our little boy.

After about ten minutes they took us to the sealing room. It's always so fun to see family and friends waiting for you when you walk in. The sealer seemed like a nice man. Later I told Zack that he was a fitting choice for this sealing because he was so similar to the man who sealed us when we got married; He knew one of my grandparents, he rambled on a bit more than I would have preferred, but he also gave us good advice.

My mom held Caleb at the altar while he was being sealed. The sealer talked to Caleb the entire time and Caleb stared right back at him. It was pretty cute.

We were so happy to have Caleb sealed to us. There are so many promises and blessings that are promised to those who are sealed. I'm glad Caleb gets to have them and that he's sealed to us for eternity.

We spent some time taking pictures outside the temple. It was such a fun day.

Caleb and Grandpa. Two of the four Rosses.

Who doesn't deserve two doting Grandmas?

(Almost) everyone who came to the sealing. Thanks to everyone who came!

Our handsome boy.

Caleb reminding us that we can't take pictures forever and he's overdue for his nap.

Tomorrow: The Blessing!

We're Legal!

Caleb's adoption was finalized on Wednesday, June 23, 2010 at 9:30 in the morning.

We are officially a legal family!

Usually, when you adopt, you go to the courthouse and stand in front of a judge. In our case, since the adoption was being finalized in Florida, we stayed in our living room and sat in our kitchen chairs in front of the judge who was talking to us via Skype. It was a little less formal, to say the least.

We invited my parents, Zack's mom and step-dad, and my totally amazing visiting teacher, who was the much needed notary public, to be with us on this momentous occasion. We had thought about inviting everyone in the family, but we didn't want it to be too crowded or noisy. We weren't sure if the judge would approve of so much family or be put off by so many people. (In hindsight, we think he would have been just fine with a room full of family members who love Caleb.)

We put two chairs for us to sit in in front of the computer screen and then a row of five chairs behind us for everyone else. Caleb sat on my lap.

The judge was a little bit late so we had time to check the score of the USA vs. Algeria football game. Go USA!
The judge showed up on the screen around 10:00.

Neither Zack nor I knew what to expect. The judge had us introduce ourselves and the people sitting behind us. He had Jennifer, my VT and notary, acknowledge we were who we said we were. He asked me and Zack a few questions, most of which had to do with our willingness to provide for Caleb's needs and be good parents. All of which we affirmed. He told us that this adoption would make it as if, in every legal sense, Caleb was our biological son, and that if, heaven forbid, we were to divorce we would still be responsible for him and Zack would have to pay child support. We couldn't have been happier. Responsibilities? Bring 'em on!

We got to see our attorney for the first time and were able to, at least at first glance, verify that he didn't have horns, or if he did that he hid them well. They only showed up once when he wanted us to verify and have it on record that he had spent waaaay more time on this case than he was paid to do. (Really? Your protocol is usually one phone call and one text message? I guess we got a steal with at least 3 or 4...) He also asked me if I would agree that his fees and services were satisfactory. Afraid that my answer might jeopardize how quickly he would send the finalization papers to us (we needed them in 2 days), I hesitated and then said, "sure", even though I was under oath. Shame on me. (But I will give the guy some credit. He did get us our finalization papers to us by Friday morning. And now we are done with him.)

The judge told us that court hearings like this were highlights in his line of work. I have to agree. Adoptions are way better than custody battles, drug dealers and DUI's. He asked a few more questions, signed a few papers, stamped a few things and then told us he approved of everything and, just like that, we were done. A bonafide, legal family.

After we hugged and congratulated each other we took a few pictures to document the occasion.

Yes, our dogs got to attend Caleb's finalization. They're family, too!

Then Caleb went down for his nap. Such is the life of a 10 month old.

Zack took the day off work to celebrate this our first day of being a legal family. We decided to go to the park. We invited my brother and his little family, who was visiting from SoCal for the weekend, to come play with us.

I got to meet my cute nephew, Matthew, for the first time.

And Caleb got to try swings for the first time by himself.

He's a fan.

He also enjoys sharing the swing with Dad.

Somebody get this boy a swingset!

Cousin Hailey also likes the swings.

Good times were had by all.

That evening Zack, Caleb and I celebrated by going out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. How can you celebrate without cheesecake? It also helped that we had a gift certificate.

I sure do love my little legal family.

Sorry guys, this boy's taken.

Acknowledging And Embracing Our Differences

The other day Zack was at a store with Caleb and noticed a man looking at them with an expression on his face other than curiosity, excitement or passive acceptance. He looked like he could possibly say something racially insulting. Zack confessed that his first instinct, if someone were to throw a racial slur at him or Caleb, would be to deck the guy. ...and my first instinct would be to cheer him on. In the guy's defense, he never did say anything to Zack and he might possibly could not have cared less that Zack and Caleb were there. But the experience got Zack and me thinking about the situations (good and bad) that we, and mostly Caleb, will most definitely encounter throughout our life.

Though our first instinct will be to fight anyone who insults our family, we know better. Fighting ignorance with violence does nothing positive (aside from the immediate feeling of justice on our part). It's not going to change the ignorant and racist person's point of view, but most importantly it's not going to teach Caleb about tolerance, love, meekness and forgiveness - all qualities we hope to instill in him. How to do that is another post (or book) altogether. I think that's something we're all working on and, I don't know about you, but I think I'll be working on that into the eternities (But not too far into them. I'm a fast post-mortal learner, I'm sure of it.)

The point of his post is to recognize that, because of who Caleb is -because he is biracial and raised by white parents, we will always stand out. We will always be different.

When we go anywhere as a family, we are not passively accepted; meaning people don't gloss over us when they look at us. You know we all do that when we're out and about. We see people but we don't really look at them until something makes them different from the norm. And, though the number of trans-racial families is growing, it is not the norm.

So people look at us. They remember us.

When they see us they automatically think something about us. Whether it be of happiness, surprise, or anger, the thought will be there. I am the same way. When I see a black child walking through the store my first thought is surprise because they are not the norm around here. I'm okay with it, I have a black son for crying out loud, but it still makes me pause.

The reality for Caleb is, whether he likes it or not, people are going to notice him and have thoughts about him wherever he goes. He cannot fly under the radar here. People will remember him at school, the store, the library, the park, everywhere. So far, the response he gets from almost everyone is happiness. They love him. They love his deep brown eyes, his long eye-lashes, and especially his cheeks. They comment on how cute he is. They talk to him and try to win one of his smiles. In his little world, everyone adores him. He doesn't know they see him as different. He just knows he is loved.

I wish it could be that way forever, but it won't. Someday he will realize that some of the extra attention he gets (not ALL of it) is because he is different. He might resent it or he might milk it for all it's worth. Or he might do a combination of the two. Either way, he will know he is different.

Our job, as his parents, is to teach him that being different is okay, even if it is, well, different.

To help Caleb learn to be okay with our differences, especially racial differences, we don't avoid using the words "black" and "white". He is black. We are white. The terms obviously don't indicate what our true skin color is, otherwise he'd be brownish and we'd be pinkish, but they represent our races, nonetheless. If Caleb grew up in a household where his family was uncomfortable using the word "black" he'd have to assume that it wasn't said because it was bad. I mean, why else would we avoid the difference that is most obvious to him unless it was a bad thing? I also read this post ,written by a man who is biracial and raised by white parents, and it went right along with my feelings about the issue.

It's okay that Caleb has black curly hair and we have straight hair. It's okay that his eyes are dark brown and ours are blue/green. I don't point that out to him all the time, but I do acknowledge it.

We have a book at home titled "We're Different, We're the Same" by Sesame Street.

It talks about how our noses, eyes, hair, skin, feelings etc. are different because they look different, but they are the same because they all do the same things for us. Caleb LOVES it. (That's right, he's not even 10 months old and he'll sit with me while I read something besides a board book. The kid's amazing!) And I love it because it very simply shows him that though we may look different, we're all the same inside. (Kumbaya, I know.)

I don't want you to think we're going to over-kill the differences thing. It's possible to do that. None of us wants to be identified by our differences only. Caleb won't want to be known as the "black kid" at school all the time. Or the black grandchild or cousin. He'll want to be known simply as Caleb.

His differences do not define who he is, but they are a part of him and my greatest desire is for him to be proud of who he is. All of him.

I could write on and on about how I'm trying to help Caleb grow up to be proud of his race, or how to help him navigate as a minority (or lead him to people who can because *ahem* I'm not qualified), or how to help him understand his past and see how that can shape his future, but that would make this post insufferably long and it would make me type for hours and hours because that is a huge, life-long issue. We're taking this one day at a time. And today, we're reading a book about what makes us different and the same and all-together wonderful.