I Miss Them

I always get nervous when I'm about to do something that will draw attention. Nothing big, just something simple enough as standing up in a room to talk, knowing that some, if not all, eyes will be on me. It's stupid to feel that way, I think. But I can't get over it.

Today I went to school to watch my (former) class perform their opera. Cue nervousness. I wasn't going to do anything but walk in the school, find the gym, sit in a chair and watch my kids perform. But, people will see me and maybe even notice me! Stupid, I know, but nonetheless, cue nervousness.

The nervousness melted away as soon as I saw this:

And then heard more than a few muffled voices from behind the curtain yell, "It's Teacher!" "Teacher is here!" "Where?!" "Right there!!" "Hi Teacher!!" "Yea! Teacher!" and my favorite, "I KNEW she would come!"

All I could do after that was grin. Those were my kids! Darn. I missed them.

I didn't think I did. After we picked up Caleb and I settled in as the stay-at-home-mommy I always wanted to be, I even forgot who most of the kids were. I started mixing them up with former students, not really sure who I had which year. When people would ask me if I missed teaching, my response was always "I miss the people I worked with. But I don't miss the kids. I can't even remember them!"

As I walked in the gym, picked up a program which contained the names and characters of all the kids in the opera, the faces started coming back. I started remembering my kids. They were such great kids. I could now picture all of their faces. (...except one. I couldn't remember who he was. And then I heard his voice from behind the curtain. How could I have forgotten him!?)

The opera was great. The kids sang well and looked so excited. No nervous ones in THIS bunch.

When it was all over, as I was talking to a few parents, I was suddenly bombarded by a dozen small kids hugging me and exclaiming "Teacher!" These were my kids. I found myself hugging back and then searching the group making sure I got each of them. I didn't want to miss any of them. Spotting a few shyer ones in the back I'd reach out and grab them and hug them, noticing how pleased they looked to be noticed. I wanted to sit and talk to them all. I just wanted to BE there with them. They were so happy and excited and, well, first-graderish. I missed that.

When I go on walks around my neighborhood I see kids as they walk home from school. Some I kind of know, some I just know their parents, and some I don't know at all. Do I say hi to them? Do I ignore them? It's awkward. I half-wish they weren't around. I've started wondering if my ability to work with children was a little over-rated. I couldn't even talk to kids in my own neighborhood. I don't have a clue what to say to them. I'd become one of those adults who either talk down to kids or mumble something, nod, and walk by.

But being with my kids, the awkwardness just wasn't there. There's no room for it. The pats on the back, the hugs, the smiles and the giggles came naturally. I was in my element.

Sometimes I wish my two worlds would combine. I wish the kids in my class and their families lived in my neighborhood. It would be so nice and natural. I would know where I belonged. Trying to figure out where I belong since I stopped going to school has been a little bit of a trial. I love my neighbors, but I just haven't figured out where I fit. At school I have a place. A little little carved out niche where I can just be. It's nice. Feels like home.

As I walked into my old classroom it felt like coming home. It would be just as natural having Caleb sit on a blanket and play with toys in that room as it would be in my living room. I wanted to stay. I wanted to talk to my kids and my teacher friends. But there was no good excuse to stay. I had to go. Caleb needed a nap. I needed to eat lunch and get ready for the temple that night. Life goes on.

But I feel good now. More complete. More like myself. Like just being there for that little bit of time renewed in me who I was and who I had been for the past 10 years.

Sometimes I want to go back. I want to be part of that world again. But I know it's in the past, just like high school, London Study Abroad, and my senior year of college. I loved those times in my life and sometimes I miss them. But it wouldn't do any good to go back. All I can do is be so glad that I have such great memories and friendships and just feel good remembering all that joy. I guess I'll have to look at school the same way. It was a period in my life that, at the time, I thought of as a trial. A constant reminder that I lost my baby and that I couldn't have more kids. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't really a teacher. I didn't really want to be there.

But now I see that it was exactly where I was supposed to be. Teaching at that school helped me see who I am and showed me who I could become. It showed me I could do more than I ever thought possible. It gave me confidence and an awareness that there is more to me than I ever knew.

It will always be a big part of who I am.

I know now I will always remember my kids. And I will miss them.