There's a story in Acts about how Peter, the President of the church at the time, in prison, inevitably to be killed by Herod to appease the Jews, is freed miraculously by an angel.
The story goes like this: Herod killed James. When he saw how much it pleased the Jews, he decided to kill Peter, too. So he took Peter, intending to kill him after Easter. He put Peter in prison, surrounded him by 16 soldiers and put him behind several locked doors.
Well, the night before Peter was to be killed, as he was sleeping between two guards and chained with two chains, an angel came and told him to get up. His chains fell off. He told Peter to get dressed and put on his shoes and follow him. Peter thought it was a dream, but he did as the angel said. They went past the first and second wards and then came to the gate that lead to the city. It opened of it's own accord and they passed through. They went through one street and then the angel left. It was then that Peter realized that it wasn't a dream and that the Lord had delivered him from prison. A situation that seemed impossible to overcome was done quietly and simply in one night.
We've seen the hand of the Lord in our lives today in such a beautifully orchestrated way that I would be ungrateful if I didn't record it.
Without question, this last year has been the most challenging year of our lives. We've had about four life-changing issues we've been working towards finding resolution and direction for. They come from almost every aspect of our lives and they've seemed overwhelming with no real solution in sight for any of them. The resulting feeling has been one that can best be described by the word "lost".
First, we've been trying to find out what direction Zack should take regarding work for 5-10 year plan. Does he like what he does? Does he want to change professions? Do we want to go into business for ourselves? What would we do? What is best for our family? What would make Zack happy and, in turn, make Carrie happy? So, big work question.
Second, we've been actively working to make sure our retirement savings is in order and trying to figure out how we want to go about investing our money. Do we want to use a financial adviser? Do we want to use some online company and manage it ourselves? Do we want to invest in real estate? Along those same lines come the third question:
Third, we've been talking a lot about whether or not we should move to a house higher up in elevation (or even in a different state) so as to avoid the inversion and horrible air that comes around often. Caleb and Zack have asthma and the inversion is terrible for them.
Do we buy a house as an investment and rent the house we are currently living in? How do we afford it? What would that do to our retirement? What is best for our family's health? Not to mention schools and neighborhoods and commutes and everything else associated with moving.
And lastly, Zack has been struggling lately with his relationship with Heavenly Father and his testimony of the gospel. Depression has a way of screwing with a lot of things and making every aspect of your life hard. It feels like you are walking through thick mud and surrounded by a cloud that obscures your vision and keeps you from seeing light. Our best analogy of it so far is that it's like cancer of your mind. It knocks you down hard and makes you feel like you can't do anything. It takes away your energy and drive and self worth and then, in a perfect twisted way, it makes you wonder if it's even real or if it's all in your head and you're just a terrible person because you can't do anything. It's like having cancer but nobody can see it so you wonder if it's even real. If someone had cancer no one would say "Why on earth couldn't you get out of bed today? What's wrong with you?" You'd be a jerk if you said that. But if you have depression and can't get out of bed, people, especially yourself, wonder if you are just a weak person. Then it sometimes blocks your ability to feel the Spirit, so while you are feeling all these terrible things and wondering if you are indeed just a terrible person, you also feel like you've been abandoned by Heavenly Father because you can't feel His love. It's pure evil, Depression. It's a disease of the mind and it messes with you in a major way. In short, it really really stinks. (Tirade about Depression over.)
In addition to all of those questions, I've been praying lately to know what I can do to best help Zack in his "refiner's fire" of afflictions to put it mildly.
So now we come to this weekend. Things were tough on Friday night and only got tougher Saturday morning. We saw no way that the day was going to end well. Zack, as he has been doing for the past while or so, started to look at house listings online. He found what we've been calling "The Perfect House". It was up near the canyon, high enough to be out of the inversion, had a beautiful low-maintenance yard, an awesome deck that overlooked gorgeous views of the lake and mountains, had a great kitchen, a fabulous second floor with enough bedrooms for the kids and an amazing master suite. It was truly awesome. We decided to drive by it that afternoon, just for fun. After seeing it in person we agreed it was pretty nice.
Afterwards, Zack dropped me off at the temple so I could have some 'personal revelation' time while he took care of the kids. (This chain of events was a miracle in an of itself but I won't go into that.)
My temple session was great and full of loving reminders as to what my role for my family should be and what Zack's role should be. I was reminded that all we were going through a refiner's fire and that I should continue to trust the Lord and trust Zack. It gave me a lot of peace.
When it was over Zack and the kids came to pick me up. Zack informed me that he had made an appointment with a realtor to see "The Perfect House". You know, just for fun... So we headed straight over there and had a look. It was fabulous. It really was. We loved it. While looking at it, Zack received pretty clear direction as to what he should do job-wise.
That night we did a lot of talking about whether or not we should buy the house. There were a lot of factors involved in this decision. We were up until after midnight talking about it.
Then Zack suggested we fast and pray about it the next day. This was huge. He has been doubting whether or not Heavenly Father actually cares about him and didn't feel worthy to have any prayers answered (see tirade about Depression above). So to have him suggest that we fast and pray was a huge act of faith. He also suggested that he (and Caleb) go to the sacrament meeting of the ward we would go to if we bought that house, to get a taste of the neighborhood, and maybe even get some answers. I agreed that was a great idea and so we did it. I went to our regular ward with Noah and Yemma and he went to "The Perfect House's" ward with Caleb. The whole time we were praying for inspiration for what would be best for our family. (On a side note, we both agreed that if "The Perfect House's" ward had at least one black family we would just move, no more questions asked. :) )
When we got home from our respective meetings, we spent a few hours talking about our experiences. My experience at church was reminder that I love our current ward and the people in it. I spent a good amount of time talking to a guy in our ward who, like Zack, also suffers from depression. He had been thinking about Zack lately and wanted to see how he was doing. He wanted Zack to know he wasn't alone. I had been praying for people in our ward, who understood somewhat how he felt, to reach out to Zack. This was clearly an answer to that prayer.
Zack's experience in "The Perfect House's" ward was even better. The topics of the talks during Sacrament meeting were focused on the Atonement and how we shouldn't judge people because we don't know where they are in life and what experiences they've had. It also addressed the "self-worth" and "worthiness" concerns he'd been struggling with. Depression was mentioned as an example. The topic in Elder's Quorum was on being converted. There were many things said that spoke to Zack's heart and mind. He was reminded that our faith doesn't grow by thinking about it. It grows by doing. And he felt the spirit tell him what he needed to do to build his testimony and feel the love of Heavenly Father. Even if we decided we shouldn't move, going to that ward on that Sunday was exactly what Zack needed at the time. It's amazing how Heavenly Father got him there.
Though we both had great experiences at church, neither of us felt any clear direction as to whether we should buy that house or not. The way we were looking at it, we had two paths and neither one felt right, but also didn't necessarily feel wrong.
Then Zack started describing a third path. One that involved waiting on buying a house, but doing a few things that we hadn't considered until just then. As he was outlining the third path I just felt really good. This was the right way to go. He felt it, too. We had been given clear direction.
We realized right then that all of the dilemmas and questions that we'd been having over the past while concerning work, retirement, church, and a 5-10 year plan had all been answered. We had been given clear direction for all of them. This was no small thing. We had spent hours and many late nights for several months talking about these issues and just couldn't seem to gain any headway as to what we should do and how we could get help. And then, in a day, the way was opened miraculously.
Like Peter, we had been delivered from "prison" so easily. So simply. A reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of us, He loves us and will be there to help us when we need him and put our faith and trust in him to direct our paths.
My testimony to you is this: The Lord opens doors, shows us paths we didn't even know existed, enlightens our minds and delivers us from troubles from which we see no end in sight. And he does it again and again. We will always have times when we need direction. When we feel lost. If we continuously seek the Lord, and strive to live as he has commanded us (and even when we fall way way short of that), he will guide us if we seek him in prayer and humility.
...but man, that was a nice house. :)
The story goes like this: Herod killed James. When he saw how much it pleased the Jews, he decided to kill Peter, too. So he took Peter, intending to kill him after Easter. He put Peter in prison, surrounded him by 16 soldiers and put him behind several locked doors.
Well, the night before Peter was to be killed, as he was sleeping between two guards and chained with two chains, an angel came and told him to get up. His chains fell off. He told Peter to get dressed and put on his shoes and follow him. Peter thought it was a dream, but he did as the angel said. They went past the first and second wards and then came to the gate that lead to the city. It opened of it's own accord and they passed through. They went through one street and then the angel left. It was then that Peter realized that it wasn't a dream and that the Lord had delivered him from prison. A situation that seemed impossible to overcome was done quietly and simply in one night.
We've seen the hand of the Lord in our lives today in such a beautifully orchestrated way that I would be ungrateful if I didn't record it.
Without question, this last year has been the most challenging year of our lives. We've had about four life-changing issues we've been working towards finding resolution and direction for. They come from almost every aspect of our lives and they've seemed overwhelming with no real solution in sight for any of them. The resulting feeling has been one that can best be described by the word "lost".
First, we've been trying to find out what direction Zack should take regarding work for 5-10 year plan. Does he like what he does? Does he want to change professions? Do we want to go into business for ourselves? What would we do? What is best for our family? What would make Zack happy and, in turn, make Carrie happy? So, big work question.
Second, we've been actively working to make sure our retirement savings is in order and trying to figure out how we want to go about investing our money. Do we want to use a financial adviser? Do we want to use some online company and manage it ourselves? Do we want to invest in real estate? Along those same lines come the third question:
Third, we've been talking a lot about whether or not we should move to a house higher up in elevation (or even in a different state) so as to avoid the inversion and horrible air that comes around often. Caleb and Zack have asthma and the inversion is terrible for them.
Do we buy a house as an investment and rent the house we are currently living in? How do we afford it? What would that do to our retirement? What is best for our family's health? Not to mention schools and neighborhoods and commutes and everything else associated with moving.
And lastly, Zack has been struggling lately with his relationship with Heavenly Father and his testimony of the gospel. Depression has a way of screwing with a lot of things and making every aspect of your life hard. It feels like you are walking through thick mud and surrounded by a cloud that obscures your vision and keeps you from seeing light. Our best analogy of it so far is that it's like cancer of your mind. It knocks you down hard and makes you feel like you can't do anything. It takes away your energy and drive and self worth and then, in a perfect twisted way, it makes you wonder if it's even real or if it's all in your head and you're just a terrible person because you can't do anything. It's like having cancer but nobody can see it so you wonder if it's even real. If someone had cancer no one would say "Why on earth couldn't you get out of bed today? What's wrong with you?" You'd be a jerk if you said that. But if you have depression and can't get out of bed, people, especially yourself, wonder if you are just a weak person. Then it sometimes blocks your ability to feel the Spirit, so while you are feeling all these terrible things and wondering if you are indeed just a terrible person, you also feel like you've been abandoned by Heavenly Father because you can't feel His love. It's pure evil, Depression. It's a disease of the mind and it messes with you in a major way. In short, it really really stinks. (Tirade about Depression over.)
In addition to all of those questions, I've been praying lately to know what I can do to best help Zack in his "refiner's fire" of afflictions to put it mildly.
So now we come to this weekend. Things were tough on Friday night and only got tougher Saturday morning. We saw no way that the day was going to end well. Zack, as he has been doing for the past while or so, started to look at house listings online. He found what we've been calling "The Perfect House". It was up near the canyon, high enough to be out of the inversion, had a beautiful low-maintenance yard, an awesome deck that overlooked gorgeous views of the lake and mountains, had a great kitchen, a fabulous second floor with enough bedrooms for the kids and an amazing master suite. It was truly awesome. We decided to drive by it that afternoon, just for fun. After seeing it in person we agreed it was pretty nice.
Afterwards, Zack dropped me off at the temple so I could have some 'personal revelation' time while he took care of the kids. (This chain of events was a miracle in an of itself but I won't go into that.)
My temple session was great and full of loving reminders as to what my role for my family should be and what Zack's role should be. I was reminded that all we were going through a refiner's fire and that I should continue to trust the Lord and trust Zack. It gave me a lot of peace.
When it was over Zack and the kids came to pick me up. Zack informed me that he had made an appointment with a realtor to see "The Perfect House". You know, just for fun... So we headed straight over there and had a look. It was fabulous. It really was. We loved it. While looking at it, Zack received pretty clear direction as to what he should do job-wise.
That night we did a lot of talking about whether or not we should buy the house. There were a lot of factors involved in this decision. We were up until after midnight talking about it.
Then Zack suggested we fast and pray about it the next day. This was huge. He has been doubting whether or not Heavenly Father actually cares about him and didn't feel worthy to have any prayers answered (see tirade about Depression above). So to have him suggest that we fast and pray was a huge act of faith. He also suggested that he (and Caleb) go to the sacrament meeting of the ward we would go to if we bought that house, to get a taste of the neighborhood, and maybe even get some answers. I agreed that was a great idea and so we did it. I went to our regular ward with Noah and Yemma and he went to "The Perfect House's" ward with Caleb. The whole time we were praying for inspiration for what would be best for our family. (On a side note, we both agreed that if "The Perfect House's" ward had at least one black family we would just move, no more questions asked. :) )
When we got home from our respective meetings, we spent a few hours talking about our experiences. My experience at church was reminder that I love our current ward and the people in it. I spent a good amount of time talking to a guy in our ward who, like Zack, also suffers from depression. He had been thinking about Zack lately and wanted to see how he was doing. He wanted Zack to know he wasn't alone. I had been praying for people in our ward, who understood somewhat how he felt, to reach out to Zack. This was clearly an answer to that prayer.
Zack's experience in "The Perfect House's" ward was even better. The topics of the talks during Sacrament meeting were focused on the Atonement and how we shouldn't judge people because we don't know where they are in life and what experiences they've had. It also addressed the "self-worth" and "worthiness" concerns he'd been struggling with. Depression was mentioned as an example. The topic in Elder's Quorum was on being converted. There were many things said that spoke to Zack's heart and mind. He was reminded that our faith doesn't grow by thinking about it. It grows by doing. And he felt the spirit tell him what he needed to do to build his testimony and feel the love of Heavenly Father. Even if we decided we shouldn't move, going to that ward on that Sunday was exactly what Zack needed at the time. It's amazing how Heavenly Father got him there.
Though we both had great experiences at church, neither of us felt any clear direction as to whether we should buy that house or not. The way we were looking at it, we had two paths and neither one felt right, but also didn't necessarily feel wrong.
Then Zack started describing a third path. One that involved waiting on buying a house, but doing a few things that we hadn't considered until just then. As he was outlining the third path I just felt really good. This was the right way to go. He felt it, too. We had been given clear direction.
We realized right then that all of the dilemmas and questions that we'd been having over the past while concerning work, retirement, church, and a 5-10 year plan had all been answered. We had been given clear direction for all of them. This was no small thing. We had spent hours and many late nights for several months talking about these issues and just couldn't seem to gain any headway as to what we should do and how we could get help. And then, in a day, the way was opened miraculously.
Like Peter, we had been delivered from "prison" so easily. So simply. A reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of us, He loves us and will be there to help us when we need him and put our faith and trust in him to direct our paths.
My testimony to you is this: The Lord opens doors, shows us paths we didn't even know existed, enlightens our minds and delivers us from troubles from which we see no end in sight. And he does it again and again. We will always have times when we need direction. When we feel lost. If we continuously seek the Lord, and strive to live as he has commanded us (and even when we fall way way short of that), he will guide us if we seek him in prayer and humility.
...but man, that was a nice house. :)
5 comments:
I just love you. Seriously. You and Zack are some of my favorite people of all time ever. Also, we should get together soon.
You gotta tell us what choice you made! I'm dying of suspense. :)
Thanks D'Nellie. I hope it goes without saying that you are one of my favorite people, too. And yes, we should get together soon. Like soon.
Jessica, we decided not to buy the house...for now. :) The rest of the choices are boring work decisions and what not. :) If you want more detail we're gonna have to talk in person ;).
Carrie, I have been thinking about you a ton this past week. (Could you feel the good vibes from Florida? :) Hope so!) We have been making some pretty big decisions in our lives as well--ones that will have a huge impact on our children, and sometimes it is so hard to know what to do. Just like you, we have felt Heavenly Father's love for us, and we know that He is very aware of us all. Hope all goes well with your work decisions. I love you!!
Loved reading this post...I haven"t been here for a while so a couple of the posts were news to me. Makes me miss the good people of the 7th Ward. ...although our transition to the 1st Ward has been pleasant. Tell Zack that the depression monster still tries to eat me alive from time to time. It's hard because it is so hard for others to understand. The cancer analogy was pretty accurate.
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