A Piece of the Puzzle that is My Testimony

Last Sunday was Fast Sunday.  Due to circumstances not exactly beyond his control, but which he handled with courage and love as a father, Zack ended up at the pulpit.  Only one of the two boys who cajoled him up there managed to do the same.
When Zack speaks he has this awesome habit of speaking exactly what he thinks and feels, regardless of how others might perceive him or judge him because of it.  I love this about him.
In his testimony he talked about how he has been struggling with Knowing.  How can we truly KNOW something is true?  He also talked about how when we share our testimonies with each other we strengthen each other.  Sometimes we carry others with our testimonies and other times we are carried.  He has been feeling very much carried lately.  This resonated with quite a few people in the congregation and I love that so many of them approached me and/or Zack afterwards with gratitude to Zack for voicing something they have often felt also.

I wanted to get up and bear my testimony after that.  To share my little piece of learning and understanding that I have come to know through my struggles and triumphs.  But I just couldn't get my thoughts in order to be able to express things clearly.  So I vowed to myself that I would share my testimony, or the piece I have come to understand really well lately, online so that it would still be shared, just not vocally.  I know some of my strengths, and speaking isn't one of them.  I sound like an idiot sometimes when I speak, but when I write I can manage to sound somewhat coherent.

The Friend magazine showed up this week for our kids.  As I was flipping through it, I saw a page on testimony.  It compared a testimony to a puzzle and said, "Gaining a testimony is like a putting together a puzzle- it's something you add to piece by piece."  The piece I have been working on lately to understand and gain a better testimony of is the Atonement.  The Atonement has become many things to me over the past few years.  I have seen and felt the strength, or grace, that the atonement provides.  I have a strong testimony of that.   I believe there is a power beyond our own that lifts us, gives us strength, comforts us and propels us forward in our times of need.  This is grace.

Lately I have begun to recognize and understand another power of the atonement.  I believe that through the atonement of Christ, we can change.  Every single one of us has the ability to change.  This may sound simple and something we've heard all our lives, but I'm just now starting to SEE it in my life.  It's easy to hear something like "We can all change!" or read Ether 12:27 where it says "..I will make weak things become strong unto them." and believe it is true and good- but not really GET it.    But it changes when you feel you find yourself at the bottom (you know what bottom I'm talking about, and if you don't, you probably will someday...) and can see all your failures and weaknesses and can only see that your attempts to get better have just resulted in more and more failures, each one feeling worse then the last.  When you can't see how you can possibly do anything different and yet it's still not enough.  When you've felt those feelings and when you feel like you have nothing left of yourself to try, that's when those words start to become real.  Can the Lord really take my weakness and turn it into a strength?  Can I truly change?  Can I?  So you take one step.  You have faith that when He says you can change if you humble yourself and have faith in Him He's telling the truth.  You trust His word.  You pray, even when it seems like it's not helping.  You read scriptures even when you feel helpless.  You read them to your family, even when it feels like it's not helping. You go to church even when it feels so hard. You keep trying.  You keep praying.  Did I mention you keep praying?  Even when you feel like a hypocrite because you aren't teaching or sharing any of it with your family and if you really believed it you would talk about it all the time.  You don't give up.  You fail.  You get on your knees and plead for forgiveness and strength and help and then you get up and keep trying.   You try to listen for promptings and help.  You try to act on those promptings.  You take it day by day.  Sometimes minute by minute or just moment by moment.  Always believing that the Lord is with you- that He is a partner with you in your struggles.  He will change you.  He promised.  Just LET GO and stop trying to do it by yourself, Carrie.  And gradually you start seeing how He's changing you.  You see it, you feel it, and you KNOW that it wasn't through your strength and effort that you are changing.  You know you are not left alone.  You know whose strength is carrying you and changing you.  You know it.  I know it.  Once upon a time I believed it  But now I've put it to the test, and I know it.

But I also know that  this is just a piece.  My understanding and dependence on Christ needs to keep growing.  Line upon line.  I know that I need to keep feeding this testimony because just as it can grow and thrive, it can also wither and die if I ignore it.

 I believe that many of us, through our own grit and determination can change many things, but I now believe that, through Christ, we can change anything.  There is no habit, no weakness, no addiction, nothing, that can't be changed through the Atonement of Christ.   

Jesus Wept

I'm trying to learn to be more empathetic.  I'm trying to learn how to listen and care about others and be a comfort when someone is feeling something other than happy.  It is HARD.  I'm realizing I don't like feelings if they aren't "good".  It makes me uncomfortable.  When my kids are upset or unhappy or angry or basically anything other than "fine", I actually get annoyed.  I can be heartless sometimes.  Why do I get annoyed?  Because feelings are scary to me.  Feelings are scary!!!!  I can't fix feelings!!
But when I say, "Don't feel that way" it just seems to make the other person MORE upset.
Weird, huh?

So right now I'm trying to learn compassion.  I'm trying to learn empathy.  I'm trying to learn that feelings don't have to be scary.  Feelings are just feelings and don't actually need to be fixed.

Right now I'm looking at Christ's life and how he showed empathy.  The single most touching moment I can think of is the small verse in John 11 which simply says "Jesus wept."

Jesus wept.

Why did he weep?  His good friend, Lazarus, had died and Jesus was talking to Lazarus's sister, Mary, who was also Jesus's good friend.  She was crying.  She was mourning the loss of her brother. He was crying because he was sharing that moment with Mary.  He was sharing her pain.  He was empathizing with her.  He wept with her.  

Here's what gets me.  Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was going to be alive very soon.  He had been planning it ever since he found out Lazarus was sick.  He knew Mary's pain was going to very soon be turned into joy.  But did he say anything about that right away?  Did he say "Don't feel bad, Mary.  Lazarus is going to come back to life!"  No.  He knew he was going to "fix" things for her, but he still didn't brush her feelings aside.  He acknowledged them.  He shared them.  He connected with Mary in that moment.  He has all the answers and all the healing and he didn't just give her answers.  He gave her empathy and love first and foremost.

This tells me that when others are hurting it's not my job to have the answers for them, at least not right away.  It's my job to be with them in that moment and connect with them.  Don't fix it.  Acknowledge their pain or sadness or anger.  Listen to them.  Feel with them.  If, after that, I can do something to help, THEN I can offer it.  But most times we don't need someone to fix things for us.  We need someone to feel with us and listen.  It is the Savior who can fix all things.  He is the great healer.

I think I've often felt like I needed to be the healer and I knew I couldn't heal it, so when someone had a feeling that needed healing I would get scared.  And that fear would turn into annoyance or anger or just stay fear.  And then I wouldn't do anything.  I need to follow the Savior's example and just weep with them.  Just feel with them.  Let them know they are not alone.  They have a friend.  

I KNOW that when we all feel pain or sorrow or sadness that Jesus is weeping with us, too.  He feels our pain.  He knows exactly how we feel and it breaks his heart.  He weeps with all of us, and after he weeps with us, he will heal us.  

Delivered

There's a story in Acts about how Peter, the President of the church at the time,  in prison, inevitably to be killed by Herod to appease the Jews,  is freed miraculously by an angel.
The story goes like this:  Herod killed James.  When he saw how much it pleased the Jews, he decided to kill Peter, too.  So he took Peter, intending to kill him after Easter.  He put Peter in prison, surrounded him by 16 soldiers and put him behind several locked doors.
Well, the night before Peter was to be killed, as he was sleeping between two guards and chained with two chains, an angel came and told him to get up.  His chains fell off.  He told Peter to get dressed and put on his shoes and follow him.  Peter thought it was a dream, but he did as the angel said.  They went past the first and second wards and then came to the gate that lead to the city.  It opened of it's own accord and they passed through.  They went through one street and then the angel left.  It was then that Peter realized that it wasn't a dream and that the Lord had delivered him from prison.  A situation that seemed impossible to overcome was done quietly and simply in one night.

We've seen the hand of the Lord in our lives today in such a beautifully orchestrated way that I would be ungrateful if I didn't record it.

Without question, this last year has been the most challenging year of our lives.  We've had about four life-changing issues we've been working towards finding resolution and direction for.  They come from almost every aspect of our lives and they've seemed overwhelming with no real solution in sight for any of them.  The resulting feeling has been one that can best be described by the word "lost".

First, we've been trying to find out what direction Zack should take regarding work for 5-10 year plan.  Does he like what he does?  Does he want to change professions?  Do we want to go into business for ourselves?  What would we do?  What is best for our family?  What would make Zack happy and, in turn, make Carrie happy?  So, big work question.

Second, we've been actively working to make sure our retirement savings is in order and trying to figure out how we want to go about investing our money.  Do we want to use a financial adviser?  Do we want to use some online company and manage it ourselves? Do we want to invest in real estate?   Along those same lines come the third question:

Third, we've been talking a lot about whether or not we should move to a house higher up in elevation (or even in a different state) so as to avoid the inversion and horrible air that comes around often.  Caleb and Zack have asthma and the inversion is terrible for them.
Do we buy a house as an investment and rent the house we are currently living in?  How do we afford it?  What would that do to our retirement?  What is best for our family's health?  Not to mention schools and neighborhoods and commutes and everything else associated with moving.

And lastly, Zack has been struggling lately with his relationship with Heavenly Father and his testimony of the gospel.  Depression has a way of screwing with a lot of things and making every aspect of your life hard.  It feels like you are walking through thick mud and surrounded by a cloud that obscures your vision and keeps you from seeing light.  Our best analogy of it so far is that it's like cancer of your mind.  It knocks you down hard and makes you feel like you can't do anything.  It takes away your energy and drive and self worth and then, in a perfect twisted way, it makes you wonder if it's even real or if it's all in your head and you're just a terrible person because you can't do anything.  It's like having cancer but nobody can see it so you wonder if it's even real.  If someone had cancer no one would say "Why on earth couldn't you get out of bed today?  What's wrong with you?"  You'd be a jerk if you said that.  But if you have depression and can't get out of bed, people, especially yourself, wonder if you are just a weak person. Then it sometimes blocks your ability to feel the Spirit, so while you are feeling all these terrible things and wondering if you are indeed just a terrible person, you also feel like you've been abandoned by Heavenly Father because you can't feel His love.  It's pure evil, Depression.  It's a disease of the mind and it messes with you in a major way.  In short, it really really stinks.  (Tirade about Depression over.)

In addition to all of those questions, I've been praying lately to know what I can do to best help Zack in his "refiner's fire" of afflictions to put it mildly.

So now we come to this weekend.  Things were tough on Friday night and only got tougher Saturday morning.   We saw no way that the day was going to end well.  Zack, as he has been doing for the past while or so, started to look at house listings online.  He found what we've been calling "The Perfect House".  It was up near the canyon, high enough to be out of the inversion, had a beautiful low-maintenance yard, an awesome deck that overlooked gorgeous views of the lake and mountains, had a great kitchen, a fabulous second floor with enough bedrooms for the kids and an amazing master suite.  It was truly awesome.  We decided to drive by it that afternoon, just for fun.  After seeing it in person we agreed it was pretty nice.
Afterwards,  Zack dropped me off at the temple so I could have some 'personal revelation' time while he took care of the kids.  (This chain of events was a miracle in an of itself but I won't go into that.)

My temple session was great and full of loving reminders as to what my role for my family should be and what Zack's role should be.  I was reminded that all we were going through a refiner's fire and that I should continue to trust the Lord and trust Zack.  It gave me a lot of peace.

When it was over Zack and the kids came to pick me up.  Zack informed me that he had made an appointment with a realtor to see "The Perfect House".  You know, just for fun...  So we headed straight over there and had a look.  It was fabulous.  It really was.  We loved it.  While looking at it, Zack received pretty clear direction as to what he should do job-wise.  
That night we did a lot of talking about whether or not we should buy the house.  There were a lot of factors involved in this decision.  We were up until after midnight talking about it.

Then Zack suggested we fast and pray about it the next day.  This was huge.  He has been doubting whether or not Heavenly Father actually cares about him and didn't feel worthy to have any prayers answered (see tirade about Depression above).  So to have him suggest that we fast and pray was a huge act of faith.  He also suggested that he (and Caleb) go to the sacrament meeting of the ward we would go to if we bought that house, to get a taste of the neighborhood, and maybe even get some answers.   I agreed that was a great idea and so we did it.  I went to our regular ward with Noah and Yemma and he went to "The Perfect House's" ward with Caleb.  The whole time we were praying for inspiration for what would be best for our family.  (On a side note, we both agreed that if "The Perfect House's" ward had at least one black family we would just move, no more questions asked. :) )

When we got home from our respective meetings, we spent a few hours talking about our experiences.  My experience at church was  reminder that I love our current ward and the people in it.  I spent a good amount of time talking to a guy in our ward who, like Zack, also suffers from depression.  He had been thinking about Zack lately and wanted to see how he was doing.  He wanted Zack to know he wasn't alone.  I had been praying for people in our ward, who understood somewhat how he felt, to reach out to Zack.  This was clearly an answer to that prayer.
Zack's experience in "The Perfect House's" ward was even better.  The topics of the talks during Sacrament meeting were focused on the Atonement and how we shouldn't judge people because we don't know where they are in life and what experiences they've had.  It also addressed the "self-worth" and "worthiness" concerns he'd been struggling with.  Depression was mentioned as an example.  The topic in Elder's Quorum was on being converted.  There were many things said that spoke to Zack's heart and mind.  He was reminded that our faith doesn't grow by thinking about it.  It grows by doing.  And he felt the spirit tell him what he needed to do to build his testimony and feel the love of Heavenly Father.  Even if we decided we shouldn't move, going to that ward on that Sunday was exactly what Zack needed at the time.  It's amazing how Heavenly Father got him there.
 
Though we both had great experiences at church, neither of us felt any clear direction as to whether we should buy that house or not.  The way we were looking at it, we had two paths and neither one felt right, but also didn't necessarily feel wrong.
Then Zack started describing a third path.  One that involved waiting on buying a house, but doing a few things that we hadn't considered until just then.  As he was outlining the third path I just felt really good.  This was the right way to go.  He felt it, too.  We had been given clear direction.
We realized right then that all of the dilemmas and questions that we'd been having over the past while concerning work, retirement, church, and a 5-10 year plan had all been answered.  We had been given clear direction for all of them.  This was no small thing.  We had spent hours and many late nights for several months talking about these issues and just couldn't seem to gain any headway as to what we should do and how we could get help.  And then, in a day, the way was opened miraculously.

Like Peter, we had been delivered from "prison" so easily.  So simply.  A reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of us, He loves us and will be there to help us when we need him and put our faith and trust in him to direct our paths.

My testimony to you is this:  The Lord opens doors, shows us paths we didn't even know existed, enlightens our minds and delivers us from troubles from which we see no end in sight.  And he does it again and again.  We will always have times when we need direction.  When we feel lost.  If we continuously seek the Lord, and strive to live as he has commanded us (and even when we fall way way short of that), he will guide us if we seek him in prayer and humility.

...but man, that was a nice house. :)

Kid Check-In

Blogging, why are you so hard lately?  Why do I feel like I have nothing to write about?  Why do I feel like I need some sort of theme for my blog in order to actually write a post?  Well, I decided tonight that I'm just going to write about  my life, theme or not.  Right now I want to remember what my kids are doing at this stage of life.  So here's what may or may not become a regular type of blog.  Small glimpses into what my kids are doing right now.  It may only be interesting to me and them, but that's enough, right?

Caleb
Lately it seems like Caleb is all limbs.  Skinny little limbs that love to kick and jump and dance.  Want to know what it looks like?  Picture Mowgli from The Jungle Book.

This week he has been pretending to be a hippo.  When I say pretend I mean, he says he's a hippo.  He doesn't really do any hippo-like things.  The conversation in the car the other night went something like this:
Caleb:  Mom, I'm a hippo!  ...named Kwanzaa.
Me:  Okay.
C:  Wait.  I'm a hippo named Ringo Starr.
Me:  Wow.  Okay.
C:  Mom!  What is the hippo doing?
Me:  Hippo, what are you d...
C:  RINGO STARR the hippo
Me:  Ringo Starr the hippo what are you doing?
C:  I'm moving my arm up a down.

Nice.

Last week as I was putting Yemma to bed, Caleb came in and said he wanted to sing her a song before she went to bed.  He then sang "I Am A Child of God" to her.  It was pretty sweet.  Then he went to Noah in his bed and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".

Noah
Noah doesn't like pants.  I haven't figured out exactly why.  Whenever I get ready to put jeans on him he always says, "I don't yike pants" in a very strained, sad voice.

Noah officially graduated to a Big Boy Bed! last week.  He's done remarkably well transitioning into the bed (I thought for sure he'd fall out every night considering how he moved around his crib while he slept) AND into Caleb's room.  The two of them go to sleep pretty well.  We only have to go in a handful of times to remind them to stay in their beds and be quiet.

Whenever we catch Noah in the middle of doing something he knows he's not supposed to do he always responds in what we've deemed his vampire-mode.  He blocks his face, scrunches down, gives us a scowl while making a whine/yell sound.  Sometimes he runs and then does the crouch.  Sometimes he doesn't.

When he's listening to music he likes, unlike his siblings who run around the room throwing their arms around and jumping, he likes to stand and shake his head to the beat with his eyes half-closed.  Like this is a really really good song and it's almost too painful to bear.  He usually has a pained/respectful look on his face.

Writing this I'm realizing that Noah is really hard to describe.  I guess he's one of those "you've got to see it to really get it" kinds of kids.

Yemma
A month or so ago Yemma discovered how to take her pants off during her nap.  And yes, about a week or so later she discovered she could take her diaper off, too.  After catching her twice hanging out in her crib diaper and pantsless, I have decided that the only thing she can take a nap in is her footy pajamas with the zipper and snap.  She hasn't figured out snaps yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Yemma, we've discovered, is somewhat of a party girl. I'm really not ready for these extroverted, social kids to turn into teenagers.

She loves to sing.  She'll "sing" along to songs in the car and I have to admit, it's pretty adorable.

She can say "Noah" pretty well, but for Caleb she says "Cayba".  She has quite the vocabulary for a 20 month old who only started learning and hearing English 8 months ago.   She's can say a lot of two-word sentences.  The most common ones being "Noah did!"  "Mom, peease?"  "Daddy come!"  The other day at the store she said, "Hi.  How are you?" to lady at customer service.   She is also trying to say a whole lot more and will often "talk" to me in what seems like sentence after sentence.  I'm excited and a little scared for when she can actually talk as much as she wants.

She loves shoes.  She can already put her shoes on by herself, which is good because by the time I have shoes on the boys she's already put her shoes on and taken them off about three times.  It's nice that I don't have to put them on every time she takes them off.  Otherwise she'd have one frustrated Mamma.

Random Thoughts (Friday Edition)

Lately our after-breakfast routine involves turning on the Beatles Yellow Submarine CD and jamming/playing/dancing for 45 minutes.  My kids are learning some killer dance moves and all the words to "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds".  This pleases me.

Right now Noah and Yemma are still taking a morning nap for about 45 minutes.  This is a good thing because it means I can take a shower while Caleb watches Super Readers and Dinosaur Train.  I'm trying to figure out what to do when Noah won't take a morning nap.  This is happening soon if it hasn't already happened.  Caleb is capable of sitting on his own for 20 minutes without getting into mischief.  Noah, not so much.

Speaking of sleeping, tonight we turned Noah's bed into a Big Boy Bed! and put it in Caleb's room.  We now officially have a boy's room and girl's room.  If I don't get any sleep tonight, you'll know why.

We picked up our car tonight after getting a new transmission.  We bought the car three years ago and it needed a new one then.  We had a service contract on it that lasted for 3 years and would cover the transmission.  Yet every time we took the car in they told us the transmission was fine.  Well, two days ago when we took it in they finally told us it needed to be replaced.  And the service contract expired today.  Woot woot!  Sometimes things really do work out.

Yemma has discovered she can take off her pants and her diaper during her nap.  This does not please me.  But not so fast, little girl.  I know how to fight this battle.  And it involves duct tape.

I guess most of my random thoughts involve toddlers and sleeping.  Such is my life right now.  Doesn't everything revolve around toddlers and sleeping?

What Adoption Means

We've been talking to Caleb more and more about adoption.  We talk about how we picked him up in Florida, how excited we were when we saw him, how much we loved him, what we did with him, and stuff like that.  We talk about his birthmother and how she loves him.  He always smiles a lot when we talk about stuff like that.  But you never know what he's really understanding or picking up.

We were assigned new home teachers awhile ago and one of them is adopted.  The other night, after the home teachers had visited, Zack had this conversation with Caleb while he was getting him ready for bed:

Zack:  Caleb, did you know that Arlay (our home teacher) was adopted just like you?
Caleb:  Yeah!
Zack:  That's pretty cool, huh?  Do you know what it means to be adopted?  Do you know what adoption means?
Caleb:  Yeah.
Zack:  What does it mean?
Caleb:  It means "I love you!"

It's nice to know the message is getting across. :)

Noah!

Noah has been an Evans for 1 year, officially.

Here are a few videos of the little guy over the past year or so, for your viewing pleasure.

Waving goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa up at the cabin.


Learning to eat with a fork!


Proof that he could say "ruff ruff" and proof that it is completely adorable.


It took him a long time to sign "milk" not because he didn't know how to do it, but because he was so stubborn and would refuse to do it. Now he does it like a champ!


Wrastlin' with his bro.


Every time he'd swing or get throw in the air his legs and arms would scrunch to the left. They still do to this day when he swings on the swings. Yes, my children have adorable quirks.

Can I Go See Him?

This morning we had our family Easter devotional. It started with a song (He is Risen) and then Zack told a condensed story of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection:

"Jesus was crucified. See, here's a picture of Jesus on the cross.

He died and they put him in a tomb.

Look at this picture here. This is the tomb where they put his body.

And then, 3 days later, he was resurrected. That means that his body and his spirit came back together.

He came back to life! He was resurrected!

And because he died and was resurrected, we will be resurrected, too!

Daddy will be resurrected.

Caleb will be resurrected!

Noah will be resurrected!

Mommy will be resurrected!

Grandpa will be resurrected!"

...and so on.

"Jesus did this for us because he loves us!"

Then Caleb, with his hands outstretched in a cupping shape, said, "Can I go see him?"

I've thought about that question all day today. Because of the ultimate sacrifice that Christ made for us, the answer is a resounding Yes.

Because of his atonement, we can live with him again. We CAN go see him.

Yesterday marks the 5th anniversary of my brother, Jeff's, death. I've often wished Caleb's question for Jeff. "Can I go see him?"

Because of the Savior's atonement and resurrection, the answer to that is a resounding yes.

I will see him again.

Lately I've been very aware of the mistakes and sins I make every day. I make so many. And, as a mom, I hurt my little ones when I do it. Never before have I wanted so badly to make those sins go away. Sometimes I don't feel worthy to be with my own family let alone be with Christ. But because Christ conquered death, because he conquered sin, because he sacrificed all -for me- I can repent. I can become better. I can give up my sins and be the mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend that I want to be.

Because of Christ's atonement and resurrection I will see Christ again and I will see Jeff again.

For this I am truly grateful.

"Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!

Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!

Once he died our souls to save, Alleluia!

Where they victory, O grave? Alleluia!"

-Charles Wesley, "Christ the Lord Is Risen Today"

Fingerpainting- Cabin Style

What better way to usher in Spring than to post about Christmas goings on?! I know! There's no better way!

For Christmas, the boys got some finger paints. Being the wise parents that we are, and not wanting to get our OWN house messy, we decided the best time to break out the paints would be at the cabin! And it so was the best time! And we didn't even get paint on anything! We think.
Here's the pre-paint picture with the boys all dressed up pretty-like in their "smocks" aka Zack and Carrie's old t-shirts.

Here we are, starting the adventure.

Ah, the joys of paint.

Yes. He tried to eat it.

And we're done! Here's one of Noah smiling...

And here's one of Caleb smiling...

And here's how it ended...

Noah's Video

Noah's video finally made it to the top of the "to do" list. It only took a year to get it done.

The goal was to get it done before he was no longer the baby. Mission accomplished.

And yay for Noah!

Videos are better than writing stuff, right?

Things haven't been that busy around here. I really have no excuse not to be writing more blogs. When I have free time it's not like I'm exhausted and just want a break.

The truth is I'd rather be reading someone else's writing than creating my own. Plus I'm lazy. Writing takes work, people.

But you know what doesn't take much work? Posting videos!

So without further ado:

Caleb, Zack and Noah gettin' jiggy wit' it down at Noodles & Co. This was last Tuesday. If a restaurant has good music, Caleb is always good for a chair dance or two.

Here's one of Caleb doing his "faces". These were always fun to entertain people at church, the store, relatives, friends, people on the street, etc. This video was taken in May I think. He looks so little... Sadly, as of this month, he has stopped doing the faces on command. :(

And here's Noah enjoying his birthday cake. He turned one on Tuesday. Yay for turning one!

What If? A Blog about those Mormons

Mormons have been in the media a whole lot lately. By now I'm sure almost everyone has at least heard of Mormons and have an opinion of them, however great or small, bad or good.

Most of you know that I'm a Mormon. In fact, most of you who read my blog are Mormons also. Most of you are family and friends and that's who I typically think of when I write a blog.

But today I'm writing for any of you reading my blog who are not Mormons.

Today I'm posing the "What if" question:

What if the Mormons really do have the truth?

Those of you who believe in Christ and love Him with all your heart (and there are so many of you good, amazing, wonderful people out there), what if this really was His church on earth?

What if the gospel He established when He was on the earth really did fall to apostasy?

What if he came to earth in the early 1820's and re-established his gospel?

What if he truly does stand at the head of His church today?

What if that church was the Mormon church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?

Wouldn't you want to know that? Better yet, wouldn't He want you to know that?

Today I give my testimony that Jesus Christ really did come to earth and re-establish His gospel in it's fullness. He stands at the head of His church today: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I know this to be true for myself and you can know it, too.

If you read this book, The Book of Mormon, and pray about it, you will know for yourself if it is true.

Really, what do you have to lose? It's just a book, right? If you read it and feel nothing, then you go along with your life as normal, but maybe knowing a bit more about those Mormons.

But if you read it and you feel something tell you, deep in your heart and mind, that it is truth, then well, your life changes. Then you start to learn more about who you are, where you came from, what the purpose of this life is, and where you are going after it's over.

So, if you want to read it, here's what you do. Just go to the website mormon.org and request a book. Near the bottom there's a link under "I Want To:". Click on "Order a free Book of Mormon". Then read it and see for yourself.

Because, what if it's true?

The Boy's Room

This weekend we decided to get babygirl's room ready since we have no good idea when she's coming and we decided we don't want to be finishing her room when she's actually here. We're not sure, but we think it will be easier to paint without a newborn in the house.

In order to get her room ready we had to kick Caleb out of it. So, this weekend, Caleb moved in with Noah and the Boy's Room was born. Since Caleb hasn't figured out how to climb out of his crib yet and Noah is, obviously, still in a crib that means we have two cribs in the boys room right now. When you add the crib in the girl's room that makes for 3 cribs in our house right now. I'm pretty sure we're not insane.

Anyway, back to the Boy's Room....

We were pretty nervous, but curious, to find out how the boys would sleep in the same room. They've only slept in the same room once before, up at my parent's cabin. Let's just say, it wasn't very fun.

We started painting on Saturday so that afternoon Caleb was officially "moved" and we got to see if they would take an afternoon nap together. We put the boys in their cribs and then went back to work on our painting. What followed was roughly 1 1/2 hours of the sounds of two boys having a very good time: Funny noises from Caleb followed by chuckling from Noah, yelling, banging, etc. We'd check in on them and find Caleb walking around his crib and Noah doing his best to poke his head over the bumper to watch him. They seemed to be having fun and we were getting lots of painting done. Naps, however, were definitely not happening.

Luckily, that hasn't been the norm.

They've been in the same room for almost 4 days now and they seem to love it. For the most part, they've been able to take their naps together, they've been able to go to bed at the same time, and if one of them wakes the other up in the middle of the night they are able to go back to sleep without too much trouble.

I actually really like having them in the same room. It seems to have made them better friends (they play more with each other during the day) and there's nothing I'd want more for them. So when I put them down for a nap and for over an hour all I hear is the sound of playing and laughing, I don't mind....that much.

Project: Yard

*I hate blogger and it's spacing issues. I really don't choose to have one inch spaces between paragraphs. I really don't. But blogger thinks I do. I give up. Enjoy the spaciousness.

Let me start off by saying I love a nice yard. Love love love it.

Let me also say that my yard is not a nice yard. It's just not. I need to say right up front that I'm not talking about the lawn. Zack takes care of the lawn and it looks just fine. I'm talking about the flower beds. Or, in my case, dirt beds with the occasional plant that hasn't died yet.

Since moving into our house 7 1/2 years ago I have only managed to create two flower beds that actually look decent. Here's one of them:

I love this little area. I know it only really looks good part of the year since most of these plants die down to nothing, but I really like it. Not only does it look nice, but all of the plants come back every year. I don't have to plant anything! They just keep coming back! I especially like it when the lilies in the front bloom bright red. (There is that spot in the left-hand corner that needs something, but other than that, it's FANtastic.) I also have a stretch in the back yard planted with a row of rose bushes. I like that area, too.

But I'm struggling with the other flower beds. I really am. It's a shame that they are the biggest and one of them is the main one in the front yard. It looks pretty crappy despite that fact that over the years we've planted numerous bushes and my mom, the talented Gardener that she is, even tried to help me with it. It just doesn't look good.

I am happy to say, though, that his year it is weed-free and it's been weed-free for a month! That's because I've implemented a genius plan for doing yard work. Here it is: Weed every week. Brilliant, right? And here's the kicker. It actually WORKS! I've been following this plan for a month now and my yard is weed free! It could be weed free for the entire summer if I just follow my super plan. Weed-free is great but, sadly, it still doesn't make my yard look good. It just keeps it from looking trashy.

My problem is I haven't figured out what I want my flower beds to look like. So instead of maintaining a beautiful space, I'm just doing weed control year after year for some sad looking patches of dirt.

This year, however, I think I've figured out what to do with THIS tasty spot in the backyard:

Nice, huh? Two pitiful plants, a maple tree (the third one we've planted there because they all keep dieing) and a hearty aspen.

Let me unfold to you my master plan for this space.

First I'll start off by planting some more flowers and bushes:

Big bushes up against the fence, sunflowers with semi-tall purply flowers in front of them, a butterfly bush (that isn't dead), another peony bush, and a few assorted flower bushes next to it. Then I'll make it look nice by adding some good dirt. Ooooo, diiiirt!
Then I'll add some stepping stones and a few more flowers.

It's starting to look good, huh? Well, wait until you see the final touch!A bench! Benches make everything better.

Then, someday when the maple tree grows big and tall (and doesn't die) I can sit under the bench and enjoy nature. That's the plan. Problem is now that we have kids (and adoption fees) I can't justify spending the money it would take to actually implement the plan. But I consider it a great step that I've finally figured out what to do in the backyard corner. And hey, it only took 7 years!

And now we come to the final flower bed. The one that everyone sees when they drive past the house:

The only reason there are actually green things growing in it right now is because they are things that don't really need care to grow: daffodils and daisies. The aspen tree looks like it might actually survive this year (it's the third of it's kind) and the lilac bush and Rose of Sharon bush must like where they are because they've been there for 7 years.

I honestly don't know what to do with this space. Any ideas? Suggestions? What can I plant that will actually look good year round? What do you think I should do? So far, all I've come up with is this:

And then this guy can figure out what to do.

Noah's Sealing

Noah was sealed to us on my birthday, April 20, 2011.
Honestly, this is a day I looked forward to from the moment we found out he was coming. It is such a fun, special day.
The sealing was set for 5:00 PM so Zack went to work for part of the day. He came home at lunchtime to help us get everything ready. We wanted the boys to be rested and fed before we left for the temple so the afternoon was a big juggling match between how long of a nap they could have and how much time we needed to feed them and dress them once they woke up. It was tight, but we managed to leave the house only 10 minutes late.
We picked up my mom on our way up to the temple. There's a new policy that lets you have a female family member accompany your children in the youth center, if you so choose. (I'm guessing it was created because of the numerous crying children they've had to deal with in the past.) Zack and I went out of town to visit Zack's dad the weekend before and left the kids with my mom. They'd been acting pretty clingy ever since we got back, so we thought it would be a good idea if my mom went to the youth center with them just in case they got upset.

One last family picture before the sealing.

Once my mom and the boys were in the youth center, Zack and I went to go take care of paperwork and such. When that was done they let us go get dressed. It's kind of fun because they have a special locker with your name on it, just like when you are getting married. I didn't get to be in the bride's room this time, but that was okay. When we were all ready, Zack and I got to spend some time together in the Celestial Room before they came and got us for the sealing.
We got to meet with the sealer beforehand and chat for a bit before going in. He was really nice. He and his wife had adopted two children themselves, so he knew how we felt.
When we walked into the sealing room we saw so many family and friends waiting for us. It was so neat to have them share this special day with us. I wanted to get a good look at all of them, but I knew I'd start crying if I did, so I made sure to just take little glances every now and then.
The sealer talked with us for a bit before the boys were brought in. He went over the covenants we make during the temple ceremony. He told us to remember that we are kings and queens in our homes and we should treat each other as such. He also told us to find kingly and queenly solutions to the problems and situations that arise with our children. I won't go into the whole marionberry story here, but he mentioned a situation where we might find Noah covered in jam and asked us to find a royal solution to that problem. Would a king yell and threaten his child or would he treat him with love and understanding?
After the sealer talked to us the boys were brought in. They looked so angelic all dressed in white. Noah, as predicted, looked very alert and aware of everything going on. He didn't crack a smile, but you could tell he was just taking everything in with his big blue eyes.
My dad held Noah during the sealing ceremony. It's such a short little ceremony, but it means so much. He is connected to us forever now. More importantly, he is bound by the sealing covenant and as such has many blessings and protections that will help him through this life and help him return to his Heavenly Father. He is now part of a chain of ancestors and future posterity that stretches on forever. And his place in that chain is as our son. How lucky we are to be blessed with him in our family.

After the sealing we got to be congratulated by everyone in the room. Caleb was soaking all the attention in and I think held his hands out to everyone to hold him. We went and changed and then got the boys from the youth center. The ladies who were watching them had nothing but praise and love for our little boys. They had been in good hands that evening.

We took pictures outside the temple with everyone who stayed. That would be my parents, Rachel and Mike. Thanks guys! Noah and Grandpa

Ours forever!

Me and my little man.

Yea for eternal families! (Noah was not very happy about having his picture taken. Caleb on the other hand...)Then we headed home for a big family shindig complete with sandwiches, salads and cake. It was a really special day. Our family finally felt whole. No more loose ends.

This boys is ours!

Noah is Official!

April 13th was Noah's day. That was the day his adoption was finalized and he legally became ours!

Noah's adoption was finalized in Utah and therefore the finalization took place at the county courthouse. No Skype for us this time. We got to meet the judge in person!

We invited family to come if they were able and were excited to have my parents, Zack's Step-Dad, Ray, and Danny and Rachel there with us. A representative from our attorney was there as was also a representative from our adoption agency. (Technically Noah has been under their custody for the past six months.) We arrived about 15 minutes early so Zack and boys had some fun killing time outside the courtroom:

I'd never been in a courtroom before, so it was a new experience for me. The judge sat up on the stand and we all rose as he came in. Everything was very official. They even called our agency rep up to the stand and asked her questions. We didn't have to go sit up on the stand, but our attorney did ask us questions about Noah, like, "Do you understand that he will have a right to your inheritance if you should die?" and "Do you understand that you are responsible to take care of all of his needs?" and things like that. Then he asked me, not Zack, how I felt about having him in our home. I managed not to cry, though it was hard, as I talked about how wonderful it is to be his parents. He is such a special little spirit and it just feels so perfect having him in our family.

The judge said his legal shpill, signed the decree of adoption and Noah was ours!

The judge was nice enough to let us take pictures.

We went home and put the boys down for a nap. And when I say boys, I mean ALL the boys. Zack took a nap, too. Noah woke up before the others so he and I had some one-on-one time for awhile. I saw the outfit at the store the night before and HAD to buy it for Noah. Little brothers are AWESOME!

After the naps were over we went to Texas Roadhouse to celebrate. We had planned to stop at a park before dinner because we played at a park the day Caleb's adoption was finalized and so we thought it would be a fun tradition. The weather, however, was too cold to let us. So we took a picture and left. At the restaurant, Caleb enjoyed eating Dad's steak.

And the guest of honor fell asleep halfway through the meal.

It had been a long, but very fun, day.

We are so happy that Noah is in our family. For your viewing pleasure, here's a short clip of Noah laughing at Caleb's antics. There's also a longer version, if you feel so inclined. I think I'll call these clips "Legal Brothers".

What do we do now?

I was reminded while getting a bottle ready for my baby. But I didn't mention it. Instead I said, "It's Trevor's birthday!" My nephew is turning one today! Such a great reason to rejoice this day. It's my cousin, Marcus's birthday, too. Yea for birthdays! That's what I focused on. But I still remembered. I couldn't help it. Four years ago today Jeff died.

I don't like remembering that day at all. Waking up to the phone call from my Dad. Feeling numb. I think my first words after Zack told me were, "What do we do now?" That whole day was a nightmare. Going up to Jeff and Kim's house, walking into the girl's bedroom to see my mom folding clothes. Hugging her and just crying. What do we do now? Sitting and crying on the bed with Kim. What do we do now? Touching his arm, feeling his soft soft hair that had just started to grow in after the last chemo treatments. Seeing his body and knowing he just wasn't there anymore. What do we do now?

Lost. It was just a lost feeling. It was an empty, lost feeling. An every-fiber-of-my-being-is-resisting-this-new-reality-and-I-don't-want-to-live-it-anymore feeling.

What do we do now?

The answers came. They came slowly but surely, as I was ready to hear them. They were answers I already knew. I just didn't really know them until now.

They came in church the next day, Easter Sunday, as we listened to messages about our Savior's resurrection. Assurances that this life is not all. This is just the beginning. This is just a part of our Heavenly Father's marvelous plan for His children.

They came as I watched and was a recipient of the kindness of friends and neighbors. Friends who made us lasagna and pie for the luncheon after the funeral. Lasagna and pie! Two of the hardest, most time consuming dishes to make, in my opinion. And they made them for me. And for my family because those were some of Jeff's favorite foods. I will never forget that. Neighbors who mowed Kim's lawn and pulled her weeds. Who shoveled her driveway in the wintertime (and who still do!).

The answers came as I read the scriptures. When I poured over the verses that told me where Jeff was and what he was doing and who he was with.

They came in songs on the radio, kind words from friends, and quiet moments late at night.

What do we do now?

We live. We live because He lives. And because He lives, Jeff lives. I know it.

We share this good news with everyone. We share it by bearing testimony, by loving those who surround us, by keeping the commandments. We love our families.

I know that my Savior lives. I know that because of Him, my brother lives.

Yes, today is a hard day. I'll remember and I'll cry. And then I'll go hug my boys and tell them about their Uncle Jeff and how completely wonderful he was and still is and how great it will be when they finally get to meet him. And we'll go put pinwheels on his grave and tell him we love him. And then we'll have lasagna and pie for dinner tonight.

Parenting 101 or Why Alma is Da MAN

Can I just tell you how awesome Alma was? 'Cuz he was pretty awesome.

I mean, as a person, he was a pretty cool guy. At first he was kind of a jerk, devoting his time to turning people away from the church, then was visited by an angel (because of the prayers of his father) and turned his whole life around, became a prophet and leader of the church, and later became the chief judge of Zarahemla because everyone thought so highly of him and trusted him so much. Then he devoted his life to teaching the gospel to the people. If you want to read his story, go here. Suffice it to say, he was a great, great man. He's my hero even without being an awesome parent.

Now the scriptures tell us nothing of his life as a parent, but I'm pretty sure that he was a darn good one. (Please excuse my soft-swear.)

What makes me think he was a good parent? Because he wrote the book on how to be a good parent. Actually it's not even a book. It's just two sentences. That's right, it's only two sentences long. TWO!!

I stumbled across it as I was reading yesterday morning. Want to read it?

Here it is:

“And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.”

-Alma 7:23-24

That last part, I'm pretty sure could be read as "...and then ye will always abound in good parenting."

What could be better advice for parenting than that? First off, you need to be humble and submissive. How are you going to be able to ask for and get Heavenly Father's help if you aren't humble enough to receive it? Next you are told to be patient and long-suffering. I think all parents are very aware of how much patience it takes to raise children. But it's nice to hear it and be reminded over and over...and over. Then we are told to be temperate. What does that mean? It means being steady, consistent, and in control. Vital qualities in order to build trust with your kids and also vital in disciplining them. And then there's keeping the commandments of God. There is power in doing the things God has asked of us. And that power is vital in helping us raise our kids. When we do what God asks, He is more likely to be able to bless us with what we need when we ask for it. Don't forget to ask for His help in raising your kids! He knows them better than you do. He understands exactly what they need and when they need it. He understands why they sometimes act the way they do. And I'm pretty sure he loves our kids as much as we do so, of course, he will help us help them. All we have to do is ask. Finally, we need to remember to thank him for helping us. Always remember to give thanks.

There you go. Parenting 101. All you ever needed to know in raising kids.

Thanks, Alma. You are now my parenting hero.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Lest you think we aren't doing anything to celebrate St. Patrick's Day at our house.

Behold! The wearing of the green!

The New 'Do

On Tuesday we took Caleb to a salon to get his hair cut. It wasn't that we didn't like his nice long hair. It was just getting too hard to keep from getting little knots in it. Lint would show up in his hair often and it was just hard to keep it looking nice. I knew it needed a trim and we decided it was time to take him to someone who knew about his type of hair and get their opinion on what was best for it.

Here's what Caleb's hair looked like Monday night.

A. Dorable.

But it needed to be cut. Or trimmed at least. Zack found a place to take him, booked a time, and last Tuesday we went.

Chris, Caleb's stylist, told us that Caleb's hair wasn't mature enough to shave off completely. (Not that that was what we were looking for.) It would damage the scalp. If he did that then the hair would grow back thicker, coarser and harder to manage as he got older. So he said he would take about half of the hair off.

Half. Right.

Caleb was pretty good for him and sat in the chair. Zack tried to keep his attention away from the clippers. Chris started to take a few cuts off the top. And then, well, I'm not sure if he just decided it was too hard to style a toddlers hair or what, but the clippers came out and he shaved all but a half inch of hair off.

Caleb looks happy. Chris, not so much.

When it was all done, Caleb gave Chris a thank you and then a flirty smile that he usually reserves for flight attendants and blondes. (We didn't tell Chris that. Not quite sure if he'd take it as a compliment...) He also gave Chris some "knuck", so that was good.

With short hair, Caleb didn't look older to me like I thought he would- he looked younger. Kind of like when he was 6 months old. And, I hate to admit it, but I kind of missed the fro. That night Zack and I both thought Caleb looked like a middle-aged black lady with all that short hair.

The next morning I actually woke up feeling pretty bummed about his short hair. I really missed the fro. But, after looking at it again, it started to grow on me and I realized how cute Caleb looked.

He is looking more like a little boy!

And he can wear a hat!

When we put a hat on him with a fro he resembled Bill Cosby from the '70's. (Think little puffs of hair sticking out over his ears. Nice, huh?) No puffs of hair here:

(I just put this picture on so you could be jealous that I get to kiss those cheeks. All The Time.)

All in all, I think my little guy is a cutie with

OR without a fro.