In His Hands

My brother is my hero. It's always been that way. As a child, I was the epitome of the younger sister who copied everything her big brother did, who laughed at all his jokes (even when they don't make any sense), who thought everything he did was way cooler than anything I ever did. I thought the world of him. He didn't let me down, either. In school he didn't try to hide from me or tell me to "get lost" as so many older brothers would do. Instead, he'd seek ME out. He'd bring his friends to ME. On my birthday, he got a group of friends together and sang to me in the cafeteria, complete with Twinkies and balloons.

We used to talk long into the night, well after everyone had gone to bed. We'd make faces in the mirror. We'd pull our hair back and hide our hairlines to see what we'd look like when we were bald. (Niether one of us would have won a Bald-is-Beautiful contest.) Our talk was full of 'inside jokes' that nobody else understood. A few phrases have still survived, such as "Know your Nigel" and "Laugh like a staunchy businessman" (both rules for good humor). All in all, I have THE big brother. The big brother that every parent wants their daughter to have.

It's nice to have someone to look up to, especially when he hasn't let you down yet.

Which is why it is so hard to watch what cancer has done to him.

Tonight, as we sat as a family, my husband, my parents, my brothers and their wives, having an Easter Family Night, I sat helpless as my big brother sat hunched over, unable to sit comfortably because of the fluid building up in his veins. I watched, helpless, as he coughed and tried to speak. I watched, helpless, as his wife helped him up and checked the oxygen machine he was on. He is not the same. His jokes deep inside with no energy to bring them out. His body won't allow him to do any of the jobs a father feels he should do. I sit, helpless, as I watch my brother go through what has been and might turn out to be the hardest thing he will ever have to go through in this life. I see the pain in his eyes. I can only imagine how he feels not being able to help his wife take care of their three small children.

And then the Easter lesson starts. It begins by family members reading the account of the resurrection in the Gospel Mark. "And entering into the sepulchre, they saw two angels sitting thereon, clothed in long white garments; and they were affrighted. But the angels said until them, Be not affrighted; ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified; he is risen." As we read, I knew that the Savior was with my little family. He is aware of our pain. I knew he had my brother in His hands, but it wasn't until right then that I really understood that He had us all in His hands. He is very aware of my this family of mine. It is through Him that my brother will be healed. It is through Him that I will be with my family in the eternities, and it is through Him that I will hold my son again. And so, despite all the hurt and suffering my family is going through, I have so many reasons to be grateful and to truly rejoice.
Even in the hard times, life is, and will forever be, good.